A Fort Wayne native's adventures in China
Sunday night into Monday morning I had a dream. I dreamed I was working at a fashion magazine. There was something wrong with my skirt. I usually never wear skirts, but the outfit I was wearing was quite different than what I usually wear.
I felt like I was in The Devil Wears Prada or something. Total fish out of water. I remember going to the cafeteria. And what was really weird about it was the stairs. The stairs were practically ladder steps. I had to slide down the stairs because they were literally a wall. So steep. I made it down without hurting myself though. Another thing that was weird is I’m not sure what my role was there. But it’s nice to be dreaming again. I changed up my diet a bit and I’m sleeping better, certainly deeper. And that’s a good thing.
Hey! It’s my 400th post!
I love writing. I’d love to be able to make a living at it. I used to be a full-time reporter. I made a whopping $5.05 after taxes, but that was over 30 years ago, when $5.05 could get you something.
Anyway, on my daily YouTube romp, there was a CNBC video wondering why tourism to the U.S. was declining.
Really? REALLY?
You think deportation has anything to do with it? You think the slightest suspicion about you that could detain you has anything to do with it? Not to mention people just being full out whack-jobs, and the gun violence? Do you think THAT has anything to do with it.
No. Couldn’t possibly. “They” just have no idea why people from all over the world aren’t coming in droves to the United States.
I’m beginning to wonder if reporters are really as stupid as they seem, or if editors/publishers are paying them to just act stupid. After completing an internship at one of the daily newspapers in my home town (the paper that went defunct, naturally) I wondered if I wanted to be a journalist anymore. I see some really well-written pieces about topics I’m interested in and wistfully think, “Maybe if I’d stuck it out, that could have been my name in the byline.”
But probably not.
After an editor asked me to hype up something I thought was un-hypeable, that’s when I thought maybe it wasn’t worth it. Maybe journalism wasn’t for me anymore. I was too smart, too headstrong, too interested in the truth.
A lot of people are noticing the “journalists” in this country seem to be dumb or not doing their jobs. Or both. I don’t necessarily blame the journalists, because they have to appease the editors, and the editors have to appease the publishers. Contrary to popular belief, journalists CAN’T write about anything they want. They CAN’T bring the painfully obvious, the bullshit we all have to deal with to the table so there’s a national discussion.
It’s like when Luigi Mangione shot the UHC CEO. Why, oh WHY did he do such a thing?
Because Luigi was fucking fed up. Pay your premiums and you STILL have to fight to get care that you PAID FOR. And it’s totally legal for them to take your money, and keep taking your money and not giving you what you paid for in return. And if the CEO can save a few bucks and deny care to some faceless folks out there and literally kill them, well, who cares?
Lots of other people are fed up too. But do the nations journalists talk about the health care insurance crisis in this country? No. I’m sure they know, but they’re not allowed to.
Same with why the airports are empty and normally busy attractions in the U.S. aren’t these days. Who wants to come to the states where if you’re not deported/detained as soon as your plane lands, your odds of getting shot just minding your own damn business in a park, grocery store, church, mall, nursing home, hospital, fast-food restaurant, hotel room, car, or basically anyplace in the U.S. went up just by entering the country.
Vacations are supposed to be relaxing.
This is the video that triggered this particular rant. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INvtiqflxZw
How many times have you seen a killer pair of shoes, and told yourself, “There’s no way I could walk in those?”
Or maybe you had a really cool dress, but flats just didn’t look right?
Or you had a well-meaning male friend suggest you wear a pair of hiking boots with that dress or suit?
No kidding, I knew someone like that. He literally had ONE pair of shoes, and those were hiking boots. He wore them everywhere: job interviews, running errands and to the beach.
But let’s face it, a lot of straight, white men have no sense of fashion at all.
For years, I couldn’t walk in heels. I’d try them on at the shoe store, I even bought a pair I THOUGHT I could walk in to appease a boyfriend (never again) but I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I actually felt not as feminine because I couldn’t walk in heels.
Some women reading this are probably thinking, “Who gives a shit! Wear what you like!” And ladies, I get it, I really do.
But if you’re on the short side and want to gain a few inches, it’s either tease your hair, or wear some heels.
It took me nearly a lifetime, but I finally figured out why I couldn’t walk in heels and look normal.
Oh, I watched YouTube tutorials, but they didn’t really help.
“Know thyself.” As I get older, I’m tuning into myself more, and really studying my feet and my shoes paid off.
But I needed a bit of motivation, which came in the form of Frye Zelda Seam Clog sandals. They had rock-solid platforms and sturdy-looking heels. They would look great with either jeans or a dress. Versatile. I thought I could probably walk in them, as the heels were about an inch and three-quarters wide. Stilettos these were not. But you gotta learn to walk before you can run.
I bought them. They were a bargain at $30 on Baopals.* And if they were fake, these were the highest quality fakes I’d encountered.
But first, I examined my feet and my shoes. I tended to walk on the outside edges of my feet. I had the callouses to show for it. And my shoe heels were worn way down on the outside edge, but the inside edge?
Looks like I’d never taken them out of the box!
So I Googled the details and found the terms pronation and supination. Click here for a more detailed explanation.
It was nice to know my particular situation (supination) had a name. I don’t know why I developed this, but it explained why when I tried to walk in heels, my foot would skid inward, leaving the shoe (if it stayed on) at a 90 degree angle.
Clearly, I had to walk flat-footed if I wanted to walk in heels. Heel-toe, heel-toe, but flatten those arches like a tire.
It means you have to think hard about your feet and make ‘em flat. Obviously, if you have pronation, you have to make the edges of your feet turn out a bit more. Basically, you have the opposite problem I do.
It helped a lot that I had some solid shoes to practice with. And you DO have to practice. Work up to at least an hour a day. Wear them around the house. If you’re afraid of making the carpet/floors dirty, tape the bottoms, then take the tape off when you leave the house. Practicing means any problems with your feet (blisters, etc.) can be prepared for. Extra bandages, or add-ons to make the shoes a bit more comfy.
But don’t start with stilettos first. Get used to the idea of walking in heels and what you need to do, then try something more daring.
If you want to see the video version of this post, go here.
And whatever shoes you wear, be fabulous!
*Baopals. Like Taobao, but in English. Check it out!
One thing I have learned from living in China is things can change quickly. So if you have plans, have a back up.
For example, yesterday, I felt like going out for a walk, after being incredibly lazy for most of the day. However, when I finally got myself out of bed and dressed, it was windy. I went out on my balcony to see dark clouds and I heard some thunder. I knew right then, I wouldn’t be walking for a while. I enjoyed the breeze and seeing various things flying through the air: Leaves, trash, laundry. In the entire six and a half years I’ve lived here in China, I’ve not known anyone to have a clothes dryer like you see in the United States. If there are “clothes dryers”, they look like those portable wardrobes, but they have a fan installed at the bottom.
So everyone hangs their laundry outside on the balcony. I remember my mom hanging the laundry out on the line, and how my sheets smelled of sunshine. So seeing laundry reminds me of childhood. The problem is, when the wind picks up, so can your laundry. Fortunately, I was home, and the wind wasn’t directly facing my balcony, but some residents of my complex weren’t so lucky. I saw a few clothing items take off. Some landed on our grounds, some landed in the street, and someone’s pants ended up on the college campus across the street. I’ve been lucky not to lose anything. But there are times when the wind was facing the wrong way and my freshly washed clothes got drenched from a southwestern storm heading north. But Sunday was someone else’s turn for their laundry to get wet, or literally fly the coop.
And I’m reaching a point where trying seems like an effort. Especially this blog. I’ve been writing this for five years now, and no one comments, I have less than 41 followers, and I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong.
I’m good at writing. People tell me that. But it’s not making a living for me. And so I have to do things for money that aren’t necessarily things I love. And not seeing any progress with these types of things make me wonder why I try.
Why I try being law-abiding.
Why I try to be polite.
Why I try to be a nice person.
Why I try to be considerate.
Why I try to think of others.
At the same time, there’s more to life than watching YouTube videos.
Where’s the passion?
What IS my passion? Do I even have passion for doing anything, anymore?
I don’t pay rent, but that is a blessing because I take home less than $9.50 an hour. Why do I earn so little? It’s part of the job. And when I’ve gone for higher paying positions, I can’t seem to hold on to them, no matter how hard I work. So I’ve sort of given up. Maybe it’s my destiny to be poor. I’m lucky that I like where I work a lot. The school treats me like a professional. The students are hard-working and dedicated, and genuinely nice people. And I’ve thought maybe I don’t deserve better.
I’m ashamed of my master’s degree.
I’m terrified of the future.
In spite of this, I try to save as much as possible. Sometimes that’s around $500-750 of my paycheck. I try not to eat out much. I try to be very careful with my spending. I don’t buy a ton of accessories, like jewelry, shoes, perfumes, or home décor. My living room is full of cardboard boxes serving as shelving, which is sagging and looks like shit. I’m hoping to save some money and get some Ikea shelving half off in their “recycled” department. But I think I’ll feel super guilty about spending $200 bucks on shelving/storage and wonder if I should even bother. It’s not like anyone comes over.
The clutter was kept mostly at bay in my Beijing apartment and in my last Xiamen apartment. But I got rid of my shelving units and couch to keep my moving costs down. But the clutter has reappeared pretty much in every single room.
I read something online somewhere, that mentioned why people keep their clutter around. If you’re poor, you’re scared to get rid of something, because you might need it someday. I totally relate to that. I’ll get rid of a bunch of clothes only to realize those scarves I bought years ago could make a really neat Halloween costume, or doll house décor, or help with a craft project. It’s why I never got rid of my mother’s sewing machine. Yeah, I hardly ever used it, but it’s nice to have one around. If I got rid of it, I’d have to buy a new one and not get any use out of it after the one project I bought it for, and finished (or not).
I’m weary. I’m weary of trying. Maybe that’s what it is.
Okay, so it’s back to my regularly scheduled program. This has been what’s going on and what I’ve been feeling the past few months. BTW, my blog numbers have been better than ever, so thanks for tuning in!
I’ve got one small project lined up. And I should really organize my wardrobe and actually get rid of stuff I don’t wear. I’ve been spending too much time watching YouTube. I watch a lot of 90 Day Fiance reaction channels. I’m glad I’m not that stupid, but at the same time, I wonder how these people attract partners. I guess I’m way too picky, and also I’m not crazy enough.
I think the tiredness part is a weariness of trying, and having nothing happen. It seems like the more I want something, the universe says, “fuck you, you aren’t going to get it.” I’m so glad I have at least one friend who said she doesn’t know anyone who tries harder than I do, only to have stuff go wrong. I told her I appreciated that. Because (and sorry if my friends are pissed off at this) I think that if my friends had gone through what I’d gone through, they would have gone home by now. Maybe not all of my friends, but I look back at my history here in China and shake my head. Of course, the one thing I never thought would happen DID happen.* I get accused of being too negative, but I know me better than anyone else.
*Being stuck here, because of Covid. Though I guess I could have left anytime I wanted, I just wouldn’t be able to come back until the borders opened again. But I stuck it out.
Here it is!
My introduction to Baltimore didn’t come from a visit, or even a layover at BWI. It came from the movies and fiction. Because I’ve never been there. I know, I know. Hear me out hon, okay?
The Accidental Tourist, first a novel, became a movie. My mother and I saw it in 1988. I’m not sure exactly what our motivation was, but I suspect it was Kathleen Turner. We were both fans of Romancing the Stone and Jewel of the Nile, and she was one of our favorite actresses of the 1980s.
I eventually read the book, which gave a bit more insight on Baltimore than the movie did, but that’s to be expected. I read about the Old Bay Restaurant, Macon’s house, and downtown Baltimore which made it seem supremely homey. I learned that “hon” was an endearment dropped on everyone, local or visitor. I got a glimpse into the other Baltimore, the gritty, hardscrabble part where Muriel Pritchett lived, and it seemed just as homey, and a little bit scary if you didn’t know anyone who lived there.
However, the clincher that made Baltimore homey and edgy were John Waters’s films. Hairspray was great fun. I saw it first in New York, then when it came to my hometown of Fort Wayne, Indiana, I saw it again. I had no idea who this John Waters fellow was, but I liked the movie a lot. Again, it made Baltimore look fun. I also liked that he made his films in Baltimore. He didn’t make the city look like a freak show (I’ve not seen Polyester or Pink Flamingos) but I feel Waters loves Baltimore. In one of my college mass media textbooks, there was an article about how much he loved the tabloids. I got a kick out of someone who enjoyed garbage as well as highbrow stuff. I loved his writing style—here was a moviemaker who wasn’t part of Hollywood glam, but seemed to gravitate toward trash—and wasn’t ashamed to admit it.
Pecker became another favorite of mine, because I’m a photographer too. Like Hairspray, Pecker had a weirdly wonderful family that divorce hadn’t shattered. The local grocery store was a mom and pop set-up that gave a retro vibe, yet at the same time, seemed totally plausible. The pokes at Catholicism, the lesbian strip joint, and Pecker’s father’s failing bar added to the random wackiness of the film. The climax of the movie, where instead of having Pecker’s photo show in some snobby New York gallery, saw the NYC hoi polloi head to Baltimore to exclaim over row houses and party hard, Baltimore style. Come as you are. No need to be fancy, hon.
I’ve never been to Baltimore, but reading about it in fiction, and seeing it onscreen made me want to be cast in a John Waters movie. I’m ready for some fun, hon.
To be fair, this is one of the nicer rejection letters I’ve received. Also to be fair, the theme had to do with Baltimore, and were looking for submissions from people who had been born there or lived there for a time. Neither applied to me, but through the films of John Waters and Anne The Accidental Tourist Tyler, Baltimore is an American town I’d like to visit, but haven’t had a chance to.
Hi Gloria,
Thank you for your recent submission of “Baltimore Through Film and Fiction” for the Y—– A—– Vignette on the theme of BLAZE. We appreciate you taking the time to share your story and know how difficult that can be at times.
At the moment, we have decided not to include your submission in our issue, though many of our readers praised your piece saying that there was an innate cleverness and curiosity in your writing.
We encourage you wholeheartedly to keep telling your story.
We sincerely thank you for sharing your work with us and the Y—– A—- team. It has been an immense privilege to consider so many gorgeous approaches to BLAZE. We received an abundance of pieces with tremendous heart and merit. While we simply could not include all submissions in this issue, there are many pieces that will be forever in our memories. The act of creation is a manifestation of great love and care. We cherish the opportunity to have engaged with your work and we know the right home for it is out there.
Please consider submitting to the fall Y—– A—- Journal (submissions open in August!) or for a different Vignette theme in the future as we are sure you have an incredible story to tell.
Warm regards,
Ed Itor
Tomorrow: The piece with “innate cleverness and curiosity.”
No Way! Laowai! 
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