Stormy Weather

One thing I have learned from living in China is things can change quickly. So if you have plans, have a back up.

For example, yesterday, I felt like going out for a walk, after being incredibly lazy for most of the day. However, when I finally got myself out of bed and dressed, it was windy. I went out on my balcony to see dark clouds and I heard some thunder. I knew right then, I wouldn’t be walking for a while. I enjoyed the breeze and seeing various things flying through the air: Leaves, trash, laundry. In the entire six and a half years I’ve lived here in China, I’ve not known anyone to have a clothes dryer like you see in the United States. If there are “clothes dryers”, they look like those portable wardrobes, but they have a fan installed at the bottom.

So everyone hangs their laundry outside on the balcony. I remember my mom hanging the laundry out on the line, and how my sheets smelled of sunshine. So seeing laundry reminds me of childhood. The problem is, when the wind picks up, so can your laundry. Fortunately, I was home, and the wind wasn’t directly facing my balcony, but some residents of my complex weren’t so lucky. I saw a few clothing items take off. Some landed on our grounds, some landed in the street, and someone’s pants ended up on the college campus across the street. I’ve been lucky not to lose anything. But there are times when the wind was facing the wrong way and my freshly washed clothes got drenched from a southwestern storm heading north. But Sunday was someone else’s turn for their laundry to get wet, or literally fly the coop.

Existential Crisis

And I’m reaching a point where trying seems like an effort. Especially this blog. I’ve been writing this for five years now, and no one comments, I have less than 41 followers, and I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong.

I’m good at writing. People tell me that. But it’s not making a living for me. And so I have to do things for money that aren’t necessarily things I love. And not seeing any progress with these types of things make me wonder why I try.

Why I try being law-abiding.

Why I try to be polite.

Why I try to be a nice person.

Why I try to be considerate.

Why I try to think of others.

At the same time, there’s more to life than watching YouTube videos.

Where’s the passion?

What IS my passion? Do I even have passion for doing anything, anymore?

Saturday, July 12

Yet I still stay in China. I don’t like change. And I do love living here. I love going out on my balcony at various times of the day and looking at the streets and the skyline. I stay up late, because I usually can’t sleep. I look at what I think is Venus, blazing out of a lightening sky. I like being able to walk late and not have to worry about being attacked. I like going to Gulou, a busy district, and just walking along the streets. Or like tonight, going to Three Lanes Seven Alleys and seeing people taking photos, shopping, living their lives.

I’ve cried more times in the last month than I have in years, I think. Again, I’m not sure why. I listen to songs from my early childhood and I get “triggered.”

It’s feeling like I’m not making any progress that’s depressing, I think. I’ve made some. I’ve paid off some bills. My credit rating improved. But with some personal goals I’m no closer than the day I declared that goal.

Ever feel like you’re left behind? I feel that way. Like I’m old enough to have grandchildren, but I don’t feel like I’m old enough to have grandchildren.

There are so many things I have never experienced. And never will.

Poor Little Bitch Girl

I don’t pay rent, but that is a blessing because I take home less than $9.50 an hour. Why do I earn so little? It’s part of the job. And when I’ve gone for higher paying positions, I can’t seem to hold on to them, no matter how hard I work. So I’ve sort of given up. Maybe it’s my destiny to be poor. I’m lucky that I like where I work a lot. The school treats me like a professional. The students are hard-working and dedicated, and genuinely nice people. And I’ve thought maybe I don’t deserve better.

I’m ashamed of my master’s degree.

I’m terrified of the future.

In spite of this, I try to save as much as possible. Sometimes that’s around $500-750 of my paycheck. I try not to eat out much. I try to be very careful with my spending. I don’t buy a ton of accessories, like jewelry, shoes, perfumes, or home décor. My living room is full of cardboard boxes serving as shelving, which is sagging and looks like shit. I’m hoping to save some money and get some Ikea shelving half off in their “recycled” department. But I think I’ll feel super guilty about spending $200 bucks on shelving/storage and wonder if I should even bother. It’s not like anyone comes over.

The clutter was kept mostly at bay in my Beijing apartment and in my last Xiamen apartment. But I got rid of my shelving units and couch to keep my moving costs down. But the clutter has reappeared pretty much in every single room.

I read something online somewhere, that mentioned why people keep their clutter around. If you’re poor, you’re scared to get rid of something, because you might need it someday. I totally relate to that. I’ll get rid of a bunch of clothes only to realize those scarves I bought years ago could make a really neat Halloween costume, or doll house décor, or help with a craft project. It’s why I never got rid of my mother’s sewing machine. Yeah, I hardly ever used it, but it’s nice to have one around. If I got rid of it, I’d have to buy a new one and not get any use out of it after the one project I bought it for, and finished (or not).

I’m weary. I’m weary of trying. Maybe that’s what it is.

Recent Life, Continued

Okay, so it’s back to my regularly scheduled program. This has been what’s going on and what I’ve been feeling the past few months. BTW, my blog numbers have been better than ever, so thanks for tuning in!

I’ve got one small project lined up. And I should really organize my wardrobe and actually get rid of stuff I don’t wear. I’ve been spending too much time watching YouTube. I watch a lot of 90 Day Fiance reaction channels. I’m glad I’m not that stupid, but at the same time, I wonder how these people attract partners. I guess I’m way too picky, and also I’m not crazy enough.

I think the tiredness part is a weariness of trying, and having nothing happen. It seems like the more I want something, the universe says, “fuck you, you aren’t going to get it.” I’m so glad I have at least one friend who said she doesn’t know anyone who tries harder than I do, only to have stuff go wrong. I told her I appreciated that. Because (and sorry if my friends are pissed off at this) I think that if my friends had gone through what I’d gone through, they would have gone home by now. Maybe not all of my friends, but I look back at my history here in China and shake my head. Of course, the one thing I never thought would happen DID happen.* I get accused of being too negative, but I know me better than anyone else.

*Being stuck here, because of Covid. Though I guess I could have left anytime I wanted, I just wouldn’t be able to come back until the borders opened again. But I stuck it out.

The Rejected Article

Here it is!

My introduction to Baltimore didn’t come from a visit, or even a layover at BWI. It came from the movies and fiction. Because I’ve never been there. I know, I know. Hear me out hon, okay?

The Accidental Tourist, first a novel, became a movie. My mother and I saw it in 1988. I’m not sure exactly what our motivation was, but I suspect it was Kathleen Turner. We were both fans of Romancing the Stone and Jewel of the Nile, and she was one of our favorite actresses of the 1980s.

I eventually read the book, which gave a bit more insight on Baltimore than the movie did, but that’s to be expected. I read about the Old Bay Restaurant, Macon’s house, and downtown Baltimore which made it seem supremely homey. I learned that “hon” was an endearment dropped on everyone, local or visitor. I got a glimpse into the other Baltimore, the gritty, hardscrabble part where Muriel Pritchett lived, and it seemed just as homey, and a little bit scary if you didn’t know anyone who lived there.

However, the clincher that made Baltimore homey and edgy were John Waters’s films. Hairspray was great fun. I saw it first in New York, then when it came to my hometown of Fort Wayne, Indiana, I saw it again. I had no idea who this John Waters fellow was, but I liked the movie a lot. Again, it made Baltimore look fun. I also liked that he made his films in Baltimore. He didn’t make the city look like a freak show (I’ve not seen Polyester or Pink Flamingos) but I feel Waters loves Baltimore. In one of my college mass media textbooks, there was an article about how much he loved the tabloids. I got a kick out of someone who enjoyed garbage as well as highbrow stuff. I loved his writing style—here was a moviemaker who wasn’t part of Hollywood glam, but seemed to gravitate toward trash—and wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

Pecker became another favorite of mine, because I’m a photographer too. Like Hairspray, Pecker had a weirdly wonderful family that divorce hadn’t shattered. The local grocery store was a mom and pop set-up that gave a retro vibe, yet at the same time, seemed totally plausible. The pokes at Catholicism, the lesbian strip joint, and Pecker’s father’s failing bar added to the random wackiness of the film. The climax of the movie, where instead of having Pecker’s photo show in some snobby New York gallery, saw the NYC hoi polloi head to Baltimore to exclaim over row houses and party hard, Baltimore style. Come as you are. No need to be fancy, hon.

I’ve never been to Baltimore, but reading about it in fiction, and seeing it onscreen made me want to be cast in a John Waters movie. I’m ready for some fun, hon.

Rejected!

To be fair, this is one of the nicer rejection letters I’ve received. Also to be fair, the theme had to do with Baltimore, and were looking for submissions from people who had been born there or lived there for a time. Neither applied to me, but through the films of John Waters and Anne The Accidental Tourist Tyler, Baltimore is an American town I’d like to visit, but haven’t had a chance to.

Hi Gloria,  

Thank you for your recent submission of “Baltimore Through Film and Fiction” for the Y—– A—– Vignette on the theme of BLAZE. We appreciate you taking the time to share your story and know how difficult that can be at times.

At the moment, we have decided not to include your submission in our issue, though many of our readers praised your piece saying that there was an innate cleverness and curiosity in your writing. 

We encourage you wholeheartedly to keep telling your story. 

We sincerely thank you for sharing your work with us and the Y—– A—- team. It has been an immense privilege to consider so many gorgeous approaches to BLAZE. We received an abundance of pieces with tremendous heart and merit. While we simply could not include all submissions in this issue, there are many pieces that will be forever in our memories. The act of creation is a manifestation of great love and care. We cherish the opportunity to have engaged with your work and we know the right home for it is out there.

Please consider submitting to the fall Y—– A—- Journal (submissions open in August!) or for a different Vignette theme in the future as we are sure you have an incredible story to tell.

Warm regards,

Ed Itor

Tomorrow: The piece with “innate cleverness and curiosity.”

More of a Long, Long Post That You’ll Get Snippets From

Not only did I go out today, (Fourth of July) but I also did my hair and makeup. As draggy as I’ve been feeling lately, that’s something to celebrate. I want to see a doctor and get some tests done, just as a checkup. I don’t know if I am depressed or bored, or both, but there is a nagging feeling of fatigue that I just can’t seem to shake.

I’m not sure if it’s the transition from feeling like I’m working every day to vacation. I had to spend the last four weeks or so grading, and I did it so I wouldn’t feel burnt out every day. Thankfully, my university is very laid-back, and no one was cracking a whip to get the grades done. That’s a very good thing.

And I’ve got this mindset that I can’t truly have fun unless everything is done. No play before work, but if we truly lived our lives like that, no one would do anything fun. So I try to get a certain amount done before having lunch, taking a nap, or calling it quits.

Continued …

Not only did I go out today, (Fourth of July) but I also did my hair and makeup. As draggy as I’ve been feeling lately, that’s something to celebrate. I want to see a doctor and get some tests done, just as a checkup. I don’t know if I am depressed or bored, or both, but there is a nagging feeling of fatigue that I just can’t seem to shake.

I’m not sure if it’s the transition from feeling like I’m working every day to vacation. I had to spend the last four weeks or so grading, and I did it so I wouldn’t feel burnt out every day. Thankfully, my university is very laid-back, and no one was cracking a whip to get the grades done. That’s a very good thing.

And I’ve got this mindset that I can’t truly have fun unless everything is done. No play before work, but if we truly lived our lives like that, no one would do anything fun. So I try to get a certain amount done before having lunch, taking a nap, or calling it quits.

It’s a Long Story…

I haven’t written anything in a long time. I just haven’t felt like it. I’ve been feeling really blah lately. Thankfully I can take a break. I actually went out today. Had a late lunch at Subway, then did a little shopping, then walked around Three Lanes, Seven Alleys, which is a historical area with a pedestrian street. It’s great for people-watching and taking photos. The experience made me think maybe I’m truly a night person and can’t get started until late afternoon. Even when I came home, I had enough energy to write a review for TripAdvisor.

Tonight I found a Mexican restaurant that I’d looked for since I arrived here last August. I was still sort of full, so I opted for chips and salsa. I ended up with two kinds of salsa and a crock of guacamole and made a new friend in the process.

So that’s good.

And I guess I should relax. I’ve turned in my grades. I had to double-check some grades that somehow didn’t go through, but I found the students and resent the spreadsheets. So I hope that will be fine.