Friday’s Money Menu!

89 days until payday

Well, I got to the bank. It only took me two hours, a dozen signatures/name printings, two translator apps, and five RMB (75 Cents) to get a replacement card.

It turns out I had $14 in the bank.

Then I went swimming and did my 60 laps (it’s a 25 meter pool, so don’t be too impressed) and came home and demolished a wonderful dinner I made myself.

Today was a good day.

I can only spend $4.20 tomorrow because the landlord pointed out my electric bill. Let’s just say it’s a good thing I have peanut butter, a bread maker, and plenty of food in the house. I won’t be buying much this week except juice—the sparky kind.

Thursday’s Money Menu!

90 days to payday

Slept late again today. Stayed home and watched the afternoon thunderstorms. This is like the third day in a row it’s rained. Worked on stuff for my job and also worked on a writing course I’m taking. Crunched some numbers today and realized if I manage to save $10 a day until payday, I’ll have $900.

That’s why my daily budget is set at $10. I could spend more. I really could. But if I did that, I’d end up at payday with nothing saved. And I still have utilities and internet to worry about besides food.

Missing Bank Cards Help Save Money!

A few weeks ago, I realized one of my bank cards is missing. It’s an account that I seldom use. I think what happened was I put the card in a bank machine and just walked off without it. I’m thinking there should be a few bucks left in there. I may go to the bank tomorrow and see if there’s any money left. I already have an emergency fund account, and another account with not much in it. When you’ve had different jobs in China, you end up with multiple bank accounts. It’s not like you can funnel your money where you want it to go, like in the U.S. They have direct deposit here, but only with whatever bank they do business with. So if you don’t have an account there, you need to open one up.

Episodes of Loudermilk

So we’ll see what cash I have there, if any. Then, I want to go swimming, then come home and gorge on some pasta and garlic bread. Even though I’m on vacation, I’ve been pretty motivated in getting stuff done. Whether it’s getting organized for a new semester, working on writing courses, working on my miniature projects, gardening, promoting my blog or writing, it’s not like I’ve been sitting around doing nothing. So I’m trying to set up three day weekends to reward myself. That’s when I do my fun stuff—reading, watching movies, swimming, walking, surfing the ‘net for mindless stuff, watching episodes of Loudermilk.

Be Kind–Unwind

I’m trying to be kind to myself. After all, this IS summer vacation. But as it usually happens, when I’m drowning in creative ideas, or feel like doing something, I can’t because of time constraints, and say, “if only I had time to…” I want to make sure when I return to work, I can look back at this summer and feel like it was well spent. I fiddled around with a new video editing program a few days ago, so I hope maybe I can make some new videos.

And look at the size of this post! I thought it would be a short one. You just never know…

Wednesday Money Menu!

91 days until payday.

Before I start, I just want to say thanks to my new followers. Blog traffic is getting better than ever, and I thank you all for reading!

I spent waaaaaaaaaay past my daily budget today. But considering the last time I seriously went grocery shopping was like three weeks ago, it’s expected.

Grocery Shop (Until you drop)

Grocery shopping in China can be time-consuming. I still shop like an American—load up once a week or so. Meanwhile, everyone else is toting fresh veggies and fruit to their apartments. Still, I defend the American way of shopping. Buying enough for a whole week (or three) gives you a good weight-lifting workout. Try getting buff toting a dozen eggs and a bag of kale.

Anyway, I spent $44.40 today. That’s 314.90 Renminbi. With today’s credit of $19.35, I’m $25.05 over. So Thursday and Friday I can’t spend anything. Saturday I can spend $4.95. Or I can just wait until Sunday and have nearly $15 to spend.

Shopping in my ‘hood was a fairly new experience. I normally go to Olé or Metro, the Sam’s Club/Costco wannabe. Sungiven Mini is a cute little shop. I’ve picked up odds and ends there, but it’s not really a place to do weekly shopping. I hit up the fruit and veggie places down the street (shop local) because I figured I’d get a better deal than the produce at Seashine Supermarket, which is just around the corner. The chicken and steak was a no-go today. With my food poisoning history and general paranoia, I was reluctant to buy anything from the meat counter at Seashine. Sungiven only had a couple cuts of pork.

Microwave Cake Mix? Check.

It was nice to know Seashine had a fairly wide variety of stuff, including a microwave cake mix (totally unexpected) but as is often the case here in China if you are an expat, you have to visit several stores to get everything you want, if you want to get it all on one day. And if you have frozen food, it means you have to take it home immediately, or make it the last stop. Western foods require a journey to Olé, which sells salsa and tortilla chips, a decent variety of cheese, and ready-to-eat sushi. They even offer fresh flowers and expensive cookware. But it’s also on the island.

But doesn’t Walmart carry all that stuff? No. That’s why grocery shopping can be so exhausting. It’s no wonder people like online shopping so much. And sometimes you have no choice: cocktail sauce, radishes, and grape jelly, ordinary back in the states, are nowhere to be found. You have to log into Baopals for those.

And if you do find stuff in the stores you want, buy it, take it home, and freeze it. You can’t depend on it being there next week.

Chocolate Ice Cream, Please

Among the items I got today were eight potatoes, ten oranges, two sticks of butter, two small loaves of bread, eight tiny containers of strawberry-flavored cream cheese, some frillice (a.k.a. the best lettuce ever) a rather large container of tiny tomatoes, four small tubs of chocolate ice cream, a bag of frozen French fries, four containers of M and M peanut, a bag of pasta, some garlic, and a small jar of peanut butter. I think that’s it. Since Olé is on a subway line, I might go next week to get my steak and chicken. Unless there’s an Olé in the mall up the street. I can’t remember if there is one, or if it’s a Sungiven Foods.

Anyway, I’m still fat and happy and getting stuff done. Enjoy the pictures!

Seashine Supermarket. They also have an impressive selection of “non-food but still essential for your house” items.

Since I’ve shopped in China and you haven’t, I was reluctant to buy this chicken. I don’t know if the person who put this chicken in the bag had clean hands or was wearing gloves. I also don’t know how many customers manhandled this chicken either. And I KNOW they weren’t wearing gloves. Besides…

I don’t know where these feet have been.

Peanut butter: the protein of the impoverished.

Fruit-flavored Oreo filling is a thing here. Don’t worry, they have the original. But no Double Stuf, ’cause you’re fat enough as it is.

Corn-flavored ice cream. Not in the mood for it today.

In case five liters of oil weren’t enough, they thoughtfully include a free bottle. World Heart Day?More like World Heart Attack Day!

Roughly $33 for this tiny cart of stuff. I had to go to three other stores to get the rest of what I wanted.

Tuesday’s Money Menu

I’ll confess—I have some credit on Baopals.com. Baopals is Taobao in English, and Taobao is Chinese Amazon. Again, this is from a purchase attempt prior to my last paycheck, so I don’t count it as spending. Anyway, I wanted to buy a Facial Flex (go ahead, mock me) but my purchase was refunded. I bought a few things for my current craft projects (a miniature room project on Domestika and a mini art museum) but tried not to spend it all. Last night when I got home, I was happy to see my popcorn arrived, plus a giant bag (a.k.a. normal size) of Lay’s Classic. I still have some credit left, but I try to stay off that website. I never know when I’ll be tempted by something that’s more than what I have in my Baopals wallet.

Today has been pretty chill. I’m working on work stuff, and also my writing. It was sunny earlier, but it’s clouding up a bit. I had a few chips and Coke Zero today, but I’m not sure if I want to venture out for a wider variety of food. It’s nearly 5 p.m. Beijing time as I write this. It looks like it might rain, and I’m slightly headachy, so I may stay home. If I do, that will mean I have $14.95 to spend. If I don’t, that carries over to Wednesday, and I’ll have nearly $25 to spend! I’m rich, bitch!

I’m on break from my job, which doesn’t start back up until October. So that’s part of the reason saving money hasn’t been too terribly hard. When you’re out and about, it’s too easy to duck into a c-store for water (it’s bloody hot here) or a restaurant, or a mall to just cool off. Then you get sucked into a place like KKV, and you’re like a 14-year-old boy at a strip club and have your entire summer’s worth of lawn mowing money in your pocket. KKV literally has something for everyone—I’ve never seen a store like this before.

The interesting thing will be what I’ll eat for “supper.” Lately, I’ve been eating at odd times of the day—I went full Spaniard a few nights in a row, with dinner well after 10 p.m.

Today, I woke up a bit anxious. Couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got up and went for a walk in my apartment complex courtyard, and faced the day’s tasks like a boss bitch. Feeling a bit better now that I have some stuff done. But not sure what I will do to relax. There’s a weird sort of restlessness going on that’s hard to explain. Anyway, isn’t my apartment complex courtyard pretty?

EDIT: I caved. I walked to Champion Pizza for some shrimp, French fries and two cans of Coke Zero. It set me back $5.60, so I still have $9.35 left for the day. It will carry over into tomorrow, and I’ve got to get some fresh fruit, at least. I ordered some pepperoni on Baopals, and I already have pizza flour and sauce, so if I can get ahold of some mozzarella, I might whip up pizza later on this week. Although I’m sure anything I make is going to pale next to Cut and Eat Pizza, which made yesterday delightful.

Here are some pictures!

My apartment is rather dull, but of the places I’ve lived in Xiamen, this complex has the nicest courtyard. It’s like a park.

The Black Swan Fountain. A popuular gathering place between 5 and 7 p.m.

This path winds around the entire complex. It’s well-maintained, which makes it safer for walking and jogging than braving the sidewalks in the neighborhood.

Monday’s Money Menu

I’ll explain a little bit about my money diet.

I bought a bus pass four years ago that I just found a few weeks ago. I had also bought another bus pass before I got paid in July, so now I literally have hundreds of bus rides. At 13.8 cents a ride, that’s a great deal.

Also before I got paid in July, I bought a swim membership at a nearby hotel. Swimming is my ultimate favorite health activity (besides sleeping) and it’s not just for my physical health, but also for my mental health. No matter how I feel when I get into the pool, when I’m done with my 48-60 laps, I feel like things are going to be okay.

I’m counting money spent from July 15, when I last got paid. So how did I do today?

Well, because I overspent Saturday (by $3.71) that means I only had $6.29 to spend on Sunday. But I took a sleep aid Saturday night and didn’t wake up untl 3:30 p.m. Sunday afternoon. I didn’t bother going out, and I ate at home. Because I didn’t spend anything, I had an additional bit of money to spend today. And I overspent again! But not by much. Today I checked out a pizza place that I’d heard good things about, and it was well worth the $11.34 for a small pepperoni pizza and two Cokes. Champion Pizza changed their menu, and I’d been craving some great pizza for a long time. Cut and Eat delivered. It’s a cute place, and fellow Fort Wayners familiar with Pint and Slice would probably dig it. It’s a friendly, cozy place. Lucky for me, it’s right on a bus line, so I can get there practically for free.

So, since I started the week with a credit, I had $4.95 left to spend today, But I didn’t. That means tomorrow I have nearly $15 to spend, if I want. As long as I average $10 or less for a day, or $70 or less for an entire week, I win. This is the third week, I think, and I’ve been doing really well.

This isn’t the first time I’ve posted about money. I wrote this post a long time ago, but it still made me LOL. It’s chock full of snark and bad words, but funny. Consider yourself warned.

I know one of my friends is worried. I really appreciate that, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay. This is an experiment as well as a learning experience. And as much as Dave Ramsey irritates me, I will try “living like no one is now, so I can live like no one else later.”

My $10 a Day Money Diet

So the financial situation isn’t great right now. Chalk it up to my stupidity and desperation, but I want to make $2300 last until November 15, my next paycheck.

I’m not blaming anyone but myself. But I’m getting tired of the struggle, that’s for sure. I will say this will be an interesting exercise.

I’m not a fan of Dave Ramsey because he seems to think everyone is married and the household income is $70k+ a year. I know, seems like bad money for a household, but I’d be happy with $40K a year take home. Ramsey ignores single ladies like me who aren’t exactly earning six figures. We’re out there Dave. Trying to survive.

I’ve taken some of Dave’s advice: the Snowball method and his motto of “live like no one else today so you can live like no one else tomorrow.”

Budget, Survive and Pay a Month’s Rent

Pretty sure no one is living like me right now: I’ve put myself on a money diet: $70 a week, or $10 a day (or less). If, on a Monday, I spend $15, I know that I’m over budget and that on Tuesday, I only have $5 to spend in order to remain within budget. If I don’t spend anything on Tuesday, I can spend up to $15 on Wednesday. Because within those three days, I’ve spent $30. I crunched some numbers. I’ll have to send some money back home during this time and skip a few payments. I’m not happy or proud about that. The goal is to remain on budget, survive, and be able to pay a month’s rent before my check comes. The reason I say a “month’s rent” is because here in China, it’s common to pay every other month, or in my case, quarterly. It’s handy, but at the same time, seeing a huge amount come due quarterly can be a bit scary. I don’t think I’ll have enough for the next quarter. Just the next month.

I also don’t want to completely run out of money either. That would be devastating. Back home, I’d just put in a few more hours Ubering. But in China, I’m not allowed a side hustle. As a foreigner, I’m only allowed jobs that Chinese people can’t do. Chinese can’t be native English speakers, so merely being born in an English-speaking country gives me access to jobs Chinese people can’t do. Plenty of teachers tutor illegally. And with the crackdown on training centers, excessive homework and tutors, I don’t want trouble.

So since I’m on an unpaid summer break (again, my own stupidity) I realized that since my class starts later than the school year, I’ll get paid later. On the flip side, I have plenty of time to work on things. I have an impressive grease-spotted list of several things I’ve accomplished. I have a list/calendar that I jot a few things down on. If I get them all done that day, I’ve done great. Three out of four is certainly okay.

How has it been so far? First week (after my July check) I did okay. Second week is okay. Third week seems okay too. I look for ways to save money. Observe:

Silence that Dripping Faucet with a Wrench

Turning off the water supply under the kitchen sink. I wondered why my water bill was nearly $140 every three months. Recently, while standing in the kitchen, I noticed the dripping faucet. I could either buy a washer (which involves spending money) or turn off the water, which costs nothing. I’d tell my landlord about it, but he was indifferent to my broken showerhead. I used Walmart gift cards I won four years ago to get one for less than $5 USD.

Taking the bus. I bought a new bus card weeks ago, before finding my old one, which still had more than five dozen rides on it. The cards will save me hundreds. I love you Didi (Chinese Uber) but bye for now.

Saving soap slivers and putting them in one of those mesh bags they sell garlic in. After about six months of this, I have the equivalent to a small bar of soap.

Anticipating a lean summer and stocking up on what I call the “stupid stuff” months ago. Shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper.

Using waaaaaay less toilet paper than I normally do.

Always Have Some Food Stockpiled

Some food is stockpiled too. Frozen ham and bacon. I try to make my fruits and veggies last, and that’s tricky. I always seem to buy way too much or way too little. I was thrilled, however, when I went to a veggie store down the street and got three huge heads of romaine lettuce for 98 cents. I can get ten eggs for $1.40 or so, and if I only want one egg, I can buy one. That’s one of the things I love about China. You can buy smaller amounts of food. That really helps loners like me.

There are other things I do, but I don’t want to talk about them.

My laptop is my entertainment center. I discovered a website where I have found so many of my favorite books from over the years, I still can’t really believe it. Archive.org has some obscure Young Adult books from my youth, and I’m not talking about Stuart Little or Go Ask Alice. The night I discovered it, I’d woken up from a nap I took when I got home on the last day of school. I slept from 6 p.m. or so, until 2 a.m. I web surfed and found the site, and read three books in a row while the sun came up on Saturday morning. It was beautiful, knowing that I could read until I was tired enough to fall asleep again, which is just what I did.

There’s also cleaning, organizing, researching why my plants weren’t growing, sleeping, eating (although not as much for some reason) cooking more at home (I’m not eating out a whole lot either) and taking walks. Occasionally I treat myself, but as scary and stressful as this seems, I’m wondering how long I can do this after the checks come in at the rate of once a month. I imagine this is what being on social security is like. Not that it will be there when the time comes….

The $10 a Day Money Diet

I might post weekly updates on the money diet, especially if my usual Sunday offering is about something totally different. But I just wanted all two of you to know how things are right now.

For example, yesterday, Saturday, I went a bit over budget. I spent $13.71. That meant I had $6.29 that I could today without going over for the week. However, I thought I was catching a cold yesterday. I took a rather strong sleep aid and spent most of today in bed, not going out at all. So I ended another successful week, keeping under budget. Since I didn’t spend any money today, I have an extra $10 I can spend this coming week, if I want. Next Sunday, I’ll post a daily list of what I spent and what I spent it on.

Dave, if you want to reach out to single women on a budget, let’s collaborate! I’m not a half bad writer, and I’ve got cheapskate tips that are borderline criminal.

Key word: “borderline.”

THIS WEEKS CHEAPSKATE TIP: Cut open plastic tubes to get everything out. From toothpaste to primers, get some scissors, Xacto knives, and hacksaws to scrape that last bit of product out. When I open up my toothpaste tubes, there’s easily a week’s left of toothpaste I can still use. There’s even a clever way to close everything up so it’s nice and neat. Details next week.

Let’s Go to the Movies!

My taste in movies can be rather odd. I’m not a blockbuster type person, and I’m not interested in superhero films, so the MCU doesn’t interest me. I will probably see The Flash eventually because my boyfri—er, um, my favorite actor Ron Livingston is in it. But since moving to China, I’ve not been inside a movie theater until a few days ago.

The uproar about Barbie is what led me to Hoyt’s Cinema, a short bus ride up the road. I’m Mandarin-challenged, and so much is purchased online here, but I went up to the refreshment stand and asked to buy a ticket to Barbie, via Google Translate, because I was afraid of the automatic ticket machine. An employee was very helpful (his English was better than my Mandarin) and explained one person couldn’t buy a single ticket. So like a good American, I threw money at the situation and bought two. Turns out the 1500 o’clock screening of Barbie was taking place in the “Couple’s Hall.” (They don’t call them screens here.) The seating was nothing but two person couches. So I had to pay twice as much to see the movie, but I had an entire couch to myself. Luxury! I got my pad and pencil ready, since I wrote about the movie for Medium.

Sugary-Sweet Popcorn? No thanks …

I had visited Burger King, so I wasn’t really hungry at the theater. Yes, they have all sorts of snacks, but wasn’t in the mood for sugary-sweet popcorn, which is how it’s made here. I opted for a bottle of Evian at double the normal price (they charge big-time for movie theater snacks here in China, just like in the states) and settled in. My Evian was $2.10 USD. At the Store Plus downstairs, it was going for .98 USD.

Hall number six had hearts on the wall, and red couches. They also have a “Parent/child” hall, and a “Lover’s Hall”, and I hate to think what goes on in there. However, the floor in my “hall” wasn’t sticky and everything looked pretty clean. I got a prime seat—six rows up, smack dab in the middle. There were only two other people in the theater, so I literally could have sat anywhere, but didn’t want to have anyone ask me to move because I wasn’t sitting in my assigned seat.

I had no qualms about guffawing, gasping, laughing and crying out loud during the movie. The young women in front of me were mostly silent. I imagine a lot of the movie references (2001: A Space Odyssey, The Matrix, Grease, and The Godfather) went over their heads, but they ignored my gleeful noises of delight.

You there! Don’t Be an Asshole!

They run the usual commercials before the show, but not 20 minutes worth of trailers. They did show the general “don’t be an asshole” bit before the film started.

The lights were turned completely off, which I approved of. I took notes by the light of the screen, and I’m glad I did. There’s so much to this movie, it’s like a wet dream for English majors or movie buffs.

Men and women are trashing this movie left, right, and center. If you agree women should be chained to the kitchen sink when they are not being chained to their husbands, I guess you might think this movie sucks. I went into it with no expectations. I didn’t really know the plot. But this movie was surprising. It pointed out a lot of things about men, women, and society. Barbie World is a metaphor. The Barbies there are happy, healthy, have careers, and own real estate—much like men do in the Real World. The Barbies live in Barbie World like men do in the Real World—and I think that’s why men hate it. The Barbies have Kens, but are they the central focus in the Barbies’ lives? No. And Ken, played by Ryan Gosling, is conflicted about this. He feels like he should be more… but isn’t sure how.

Barbie Has an Existential Crisis

Things change when Barbie has an existential crisis. After a party at her dream house, she wakes up the next morning and things are… wrong. Her toast is burnt, the milk’s gone sour, and her feet are… gasp! FLAT! The Barbies say she’ll have to talk to Weird Barbie about it. You know Weird Barbie—her hair is hacked off, marker stains on her face, and she’s doing the splits. Anyway, Barbie can either stay in Barbie World, or try to right the weird, uneasy feeling she has. She opts to go to the Real World. Ken comes along, and that’s when Barbie realizes she’s not in Kansas anymore.

At Venice Beach, Barbie feels like everyone is looking at her, and not in a good way. Her usual cheerfulness is dampened by feeling threatened. Men make lewd suggestions, and she pops one of them in the face. Ken, however, feels great. He’s in his element, and soon, he embraces patriarchy.

Mattel!

Meanwhile, Barbie searches out the little girl who hates her. Turns out she’s a sullen tweenager whose mom works for Mattel. And the recent sketches her mom made upset the Barbie World. They are not happy, confident Barbies. These new Barbies are sad and worried. However, all three of them get together and plan to make things better in Barbie World.

When they return, they encounter a nightmare. The Kens have taken over. The dream houses are now man caves, there’s macho vibe everywhere, the Barbies are now subservient, brain-washed women who forget all they have achieved, and to top it all off, Barbie is now homeless.

Now there are two problems to solve: Barbie’s existential crisis and saving Barbie World, which is now Kendom.

I’ll stop there. But there’s so much to take from this movie! And enjoy the photos of Hoyt’s Cinema at the IOI Mall in Xiamen!

The movie ticket machines are all in Mandarin, so the lovely folks at the counter helped me out. Two for Barbie please!

This way, please. Enjoyed the old timey camera display on the right.

Digital movie “posters” can run ads and are so much more versatile than traditional posters, which are so 2022.

Couple’s Hall 6: All couches, all the time.

Thirsty? Enjoy a double-priced Evian! Still, $2.10 USD doesn’t seem so bad…

Gymkata!

I’ve been fascinated with gymnastics and figure skating since childhood. It’s because I never got to do them. At the ripe old age of five, I developed juvenile rheumatoid arthritis as a kid during a freak accident. After I fell off a balance beam in second grade, my mother kept me out of gym for years. I kinda don’t blame her. If I developed arthritis while falling down playing tag in my backyard, who knew what sort of disaster would happen if I got on a balance beam again? Or ice skates? Yet she allowed me to horseback ride, which involves a 1,000 pound animal. Go figure.

So I knew who Kurt Thomas was. He was the star of Gymkata, but I never saw it. I thought it would be terrible. I skipped it to see things like Desperately Seeking Susan.

It’s Parmistan, not Parmesan

I still haven’t seem Gymkata, but thanks to a Cracked magazine article and YouTube, I’ve seen some of the better/funnier moments of this flick, which turned out to be an action/unintentional comedy. The six minute highlight video on YouTube is hilarious.

Here’s the fashion-model thin “plot.” Thomas has to go to Parmistan (LOL!) to check out a possible missile base for the U.S. He has to take part in “The Game” some sort of super-duper competition that hasn’t been won by an outsider in 900 years.

The “highlight reel” as it were, starts out with Thomas in a red sweater, hair lightened a bit (because only villains have dark hair) taking on some bad guys in an alley. He ruins two bad guys with a jump split. He’s such a badass that the force of his cartwheel is enough to take down a foe.

A Little anti-American Sentiment

The first hilarious moment is when in a market, Thomas and pals are walking when his buddy makes a remark about “a little anti-American sentiment running around”, and takes an arrow to the chest. I don’t know why that’s so funny, but I guess I’m a sicko. There’s nothing more American than getting shot in a market, right? Except this was Parmistan, not the U.S.

Also hilarious is the conveniently placed gymnastics apparatuses (apparati?). There’s always a single parallel bar, or a wall to literally run up, or a pommel horse for Thomas to show off his skills and take at least a half dozen scumbags out. After he knocks out one dude with his bar swinging skills, he asks, “Are you okay? Are you okay? You’ll be fine,” before running off for more ~~gymnastic~~ Gymkata adventures.

“The Game” involves crossing a gorge on a rope while being shot at with bows and arrows. One competitor gets hit, and the camera shot follows his plunge, screaming all the way before slamming onto a rock. Again, this strikes me as funny, and I don’t know why. Maybe it was the sound effect when he fell. The next competitor has the same fate, and his pose when landing is awkward, sort of like the standard pose Family Guy characters have whenever they turf. Thomas not only makes it, but takes out the Ninja waiting for him at the end.

Shots of Thomas’s Package

Then, there’s the staircase scene. As part of his training, Thomas has to walk up a staircase on his hands. The camera angle transforms this movie into an action/comedy classic. We are treated to very long shots of Thomas’s package as he maneuvers his way up. His trainer congratulates him by grabbing Thomas’s well-muscled ankles and shaking them with glee. I think the reason why I laugh so hard at this scene is because it’s the male equivalent of the many, many scenes in countless movies focusing on a woman’s breasts. Except this scene is outrageously funny.

The scene with the female enemy/love interest focuses on a surprise second knife, which basically stuns Thomas into immobility. Who knew!?

The pommel horse scene is the masterpiece. Our hero takes on roughly four dozen Parmistanis either one or two at a time, with plenty of interruptions so Thomas can show off his “Thomas Flair”, which he invented. I love how in the movies, no one ever gangs up on the protagonist. Everyone takes him on one or two at a time. Every time somebody records cellphone video of a fight somewhere, it’s always a mob, arms and legs everywhere and the person being beaten is underneath a dozen infuriated jerks.

Someday I’ll see this. If you’ve never heard of this film, or are curious, check out this clip. It’s hilarious. And RIP, Kurt. You went way too soon.

Gymkata! The Skill of gymnastics! The Kill of karate!

A Shitty, Frustrating Day, Explained!

So a few weeks ago, I had a shitty, frustrating day. Here are the details!

It was a Sunday morning in Guangzhou. I’d been invited to see the sophomores I’d taught two years ago graduate. You can read about that here. So I was up before noon on the next day, headed back to Xiamen. I could have avoided the shittiness, if I’d only checked my schedule in advance, but here we are.

But I didn’t know…

Because of some weird scheduling issue, I had the next day, Monday off. But I didn’t know it when I scheduled my trip. I just assumed I’d have classes that Monday, which made it imperative that I get to Guangzhou by Saturday noon, and back to Xiamen sometime before 6 a.m. Monday morning. I was lucky to get the tickets I needed.

Anyway, I completely forgot what train station I needed to go to on Sunday morning. I didn’t realize I needed to go to Guangzhou south station, and not Guangzhou east. Of course, by the time I got to the right station, I missed my train.

Refuriated!

I stood in line to get another ticket, and was able to look at my school schedule by digging into my Gmail account. I didn’t have any classes Monday. I was both relieved and infuriated by this. (Refuriated?). It meant I could take a train back Monday, but it also meant that if I had checked the schedule in advance, I could have had a leisurely stay in Guangzhou, hit up my favorite food spots, AND appeared in the graduation photo with my former students.

I do stupid things like that, and I hate myself for it.

So, I got the ticket, after the clerk explained to me I could go back to Guangzhou east and use the unused ticket for credit towards a new one. I refused. I wanted to use the high speed train, and now I knew what station it was, I just wanted the security of leaving from a familiar station. Call it stupid, call it stubborn, but, I was sweaty, frustrated, totally exhausted and DONE.

Just Plain Angry

I decided to head back to the hotel. I took the subway to save a few bucks. I thought I knew where I was going when I got out of the subway station, but it turns out I didn’t. After what seemed like an hour, slogging through rain, I found the hotel. The clerk said he could give me my original room at the same price I paid. I said fine. Then he asked me what the original price was.

I didn’t know. I’d booked online, and I didn’t take a picture of the price (though I think I’ll start doing that in the future.) I should have lied and said 200 kuai, ($28 USD) but I’m always afraid of getting in trouble. Anyway, for $75 USD, I got my old room back. I promptly cranked up the a/c, took a shower and got into bed and watched YouTube until I fell asleep. I could have rested a bit, then gone out for a huge meal and perhaps some shopping, but I was fed up. Angry at myself, my lack of planning, just plain angry. I don’t think I even went out for dinner. I just slept some more. My train wasn’t leaving until the more civilized hour of 2:30 p.m., so I’d have plenty of time to have a great lunch, which I did.

I Found My Old Bus Card!

I made some pricey mistakes, but whatever. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it certainly won’t be the last time. I’ve dropped about $2,000 in a little over a year in transportation costs just getting around Xiamen, and I’m kicking myself for that. But I discovered an app on my phone that will help tremendously with getting around cheaply. A few weeks ago I bought a bus card, and just a few days ago, I found my old bus card, which has nearly $10 USD worth of fares on it. With a bus ride being just under 14 cents (if you use the prepaid card, you get a discount) I’ve got bus fare for months.

Sometimes blind pigs find acorns.

WTF Retail

With the one-two punch of a last-minute trip to Hong Kong, plus having half my pay docked for taking time off to go HK (even though I HAD to; it wasn’t like I woke up and decided to take a vacation), money is very tight. Not happy about this, but whatever. I’m staying home a lot. I’m also taking the bus, and I’m kicking myself for not taking it sooner after my return to Xiamen. Twenty-eight cents to go somewhere is a LOT better than spending $7 (or more) to go a few kilometers.

You wouldn’t think I’d be spending time at the mall, but surprise! I have. The malls here are great. And with the heat, it’s nice to get out and walk and not worry about heat stroke. I was feeling a bit down the other night, so I biked to the mall and after Burger King (it was the first thing I’d purchased in days) I decided to walk around the mall next door.

A Bunch of Beauty Blenders?

Shimao Festival City is the more fun mall. IOI, which is next door, has slightly better food choices, but the mixture of stores and services isn’t too extensive. In contrast, Festival has way more stores, an entire floor devoted to actual restaurants (you can’t call it a food court, because it’s so much bigger) and a KTV. KTV is a karaoke chain which has ruined me for karaoke back in the states. Longtime readers will know why.

Anyway, I noticed a huge store I hadn’t really paid attention to. A display looked like a bunch of those Beauty Blenders stacked in tubes all the way to the ceiling, so that’s what caught my eye. I am a sucker for makeup. The humidity here has been sauna-like, so I’ve been going barefaced for weeks now.

What I discovered wasn’t a vertical display of Beauty Blenders. I discovered the most WTF combination of merchandise I’ve ever seen.

I’ve always been fascinated by advertising and marketing. That being said, this store was mind-blowing. I guess KKV is a “lifestyle” store. But I’ve never seen a store that carries such a wide variety of stuff. There is literally something for everyone, from babies all the way up to alcoholic grandparents. Just check out these pictures.