Tuesdays go by very quickly, and today was no exception. It was interesting to see how the exercise in instructions turned out. Students had to fold a piece of paper as per my instructions, without knowing what it was going to be. Most of the classes got it, especially after I went throught the process again, with visuals.

But my last class of the day got it right from the start.

I’m sure a few of them thought by the size of the paper I handed out it was going to be some origami animal, but no, just an ordinary paper airplane.

That air raid siren during my first class this morning was a bit of a shock though. A student sent me a message saying it was just a practice drill. But with the war in the Middle East, anything could happen. It made the last half hour of class a bit of a problem. Lecturing was impossible. And they didn’t give precise times for all of the air raid sirens. It would have been nice if they had said they were going to go off at 9:43, 9:55 and 10:00, but no.

I know it was practice, but still a bit unnerving.

I did 14,063 steps today. A gorgeous day to walk, too.

Good weather, grocery shopped, exercised, and read out on the balcony too. But a bit tired. And relieved.

I go to English corner, a twice-weekly gathering where students have an opportunity to practice their English skills. One of the students is in charge of it, and usually brings games to play. The icebreaker last night was to take a card from Talking Hearts, which includes a thoughtful question on one side, and a fun one on the other.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t answer the “fun” question. It was, “what was the craziest thing that ever happened on a night out?”

I hardly ever go out. And when I do, it’s usually for dinner with one of my colleagues. And nothing crazy happens.

But the flip side of the card had the question, “what are you most afraid of?”

I answered, but started to cry. I felt bad about it, but the question definitely touched a nerve. My time in China hasn’t turned out the way I planned it to be. Of course, some things were out of my control, but it makes me so mad when I have plans that seem rational and doable, and they don’t happen. It’s not like I say to myself, “within five years of living in China, you’re going to get down to your ideal weight and become a model/influencer by the time you’re 56.” No, I never had ambitions like that. I never said, “I’m going to be an astronaut/cowboy/movie star.”

What I wanted to save was a good chunk of money before I had to leave.

I’m nowhere near the amount of money I would like to save.

So my answer was, “I’m afraid of not having the energy to try anymore when things don’t work out.”

I’m afraid of other things too, but I feel that time is running out to achieve my goals. For all my education, I’m dirt poor, and very upset about it. And the biggest regret I have? Good thing that question didn’t come up, because the biggest regret was my master’s degree. What a colossal waste of time and money.

So yeah, I’m afraid I’ll get tired of trying because nothing works out.

And I cried in front of students.

My cuticles are ugly, and I have little shreds of skin surrounding the nail. Hangnails, I think they are called. On the occasions when I wear pantyhose, I run the risk of snagging the hose on the little bits of skin that stick out around my nails. At one point, I carried a nail trimmer on my keychain so I wouldn’t pick at the hangnail, or bit of skin, or whatever and have it start bleeding. The trimmer was to cut that shit.

I peel my nails away, I don’t bite them. So since childhood, my nails have always looked awful. I try to grow them from time to time. The last time was in August 2024, when I was under intense time pressure because I needed paperwork in order to stay in China. And my school claimed they weren’t going to help me. But thanks to the Xiamen Entry/Exit bureau, they got into gear and came up with the necessary paperwork at the last minute. I don’t EVER want to go through that again.

And the nails I was growing at the time got peeled away.

I haven’t bothered to grow them since.

But I’ve noticed that my nails are getting tougher. Especially my toenails. I’d like to have long, elegant looking fingernails, but maybe that is never meant to be.

I’m starting to do that lately, accepting things that may never be.

They never talk about how exhausting hope is.

And I actually felt a little bit better about things.

But I’m also not very hopeful.

We’ll see, I guess.