Strange Sleeping Patterns

I remember last Friday, and how I went swimming and had a huge meal before going home, showering, and getting ready for bed. I woke up early for me the next morning, and since I couldn’t get back to sleep, I got up and got quite a bit done.

Today, I was soooooo lazy. I don’t understand it. The early part of the day was sunny, but when I finally got up and got out for my walk, it was windy and had cooled off.

But I don’t know why I was so tired this morning, and had additional naps.

And I got a bit done today, at least enough to feel more relaxed about the coming week, which is good.

YouTube is my Streaming Service

YouTube is basically my television here. I don’t have a television, because the uni hasn’t provided one. But that’s okay.

So no, I haven’t seen Love Story, about JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bessette. I’m sort of interested in the story, but not really. I watched one of those “Watch Mojo” videos that compared the story to the actual details. I noticed a song playing. I recognized the tune, but wasn’t sure of the name or who sung it.

So I looked up the soundtrack to see if I could recognize the name of the song, or the group, hoping that would jar my memory. And it did. The tune I was looking for was “Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls. And yeah, I’d liked their stuff back in the day.

I just wanted to play a few seconds of it to see if it was the right song, because I knew if I played the whole thing, I’d probably burst into tears. I didn’t even get far. Someone had posted a really sad story as the topmost comment, and I burst into tears.

But I ended up listening to the whole song. I’ve seen many people refer to YouTube as the closest thing we’ll get to a time machine. I was surprised to see so many sad comments. Some people talked of dead relatives; one said her mother listened to this song and commented on how pretty it was, then she died. Another spoke of a brother who was deaf, and couldn’t deal with the bullying at school, and abuse from a father. He turned to booze and drugs to ease the pain, and yes, he died.

That being said, the song is a great one. But yeah, it’s hard to listen to that stuff. I think of where I was then, and the people who were in my life. I felt like I was an adult, but still a kid. My parents were alive, to catch me if I took a major step and fell. I published my own ‘zine. Scraped along on a journalism job that paid $5.05 after taxes. Resented having to work Saturday mornings to get a photo if something was going on. It was one thing to drive 45 minutes round trip for an eight-hour day, it was another thing to be exhausted from work knowing I didn’t even have my weekends free to have to go in and take a picture at an event.

What hurts, I think, is knowing how I was at the time, and looking into the future and wondering what would happen, vs. looking back now. I’ve done all right, compared to some people. But I’m still not where I’d like to be, and I’m no closer to accomplishing my goal that I had when I moved to China a little over seven years ago.

I just wish I hadn’t been so afraid.

I hate the people I went to school with that caused me to be fearful.

I miss my mom and dad, who were around back then.

I miss how my niece and nephew used to be. Back then, they thought Aunt Gloria was cool. They liked doing things with me, or so I thought.

Now, they don’t speak to me anymore. I haven’t heard from my nephew in years. Maybe even a whole decade.

I also miss the general attitude of the country. Things seemed good. There was employment if you needed/wanted it. People seemed happier; less uptight. Yeah, the president was fucking around with an intern, but even my mother was willing to overlook that because of the way things were.

And isn’t this line from “Name” so true: “And scars are souvenirs you never lose.”

I look at my knee surgery scar. It’s still there, after 53 years.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is. I think I get why people get nostalgic about stuff, the past, people.

But I feel like the 1990s were my golden years. Didn’t seem like it at the time, but they were.

And now, looking back, they really seem like they were.

Relieved!

So admin wants recordings of the oral exams I did back in January, nearly three months ago. I DID have them, but had to go looking for them. Turns out they were on an external hard drive I had. I didn’t want to burden my laptop with over 60 videos, so I moved them.

So of course, I about had a heart attack when I clicked on the folder that said IOE final videos and nothing was there. I remembered how I recorded them, and how much I worried I wouldn’t have an SD card big enough to hold them. I’d recorded them to my laptop, then moved them later. I also had the AOE final exams too, and I’ve copied those.

We had a meltdown with technology. A recording room was supposed to get all these, but the tech broke down. So we did what I’d done before: told the students to record the videos on their phones, then send them via WeChat. I remember painstakingly tranferring them from WeChat to computer.

But geez, this was not something I thought I’d have to deal with tonight after English corner. I thought they were all on my computer, until I remembered I moved them. Then, figure out which external hard drive had them.

But at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Seven Year Anniversary!

WordPress reminded me it was my seven year anniversary today.

I’ve been in China a wee bit longer though.

I suppose I should make another Chinaversary video. Those are actually pretty easy to make. Collect some photos from the past year and set them to music.

Oh, and I also got my taxes done yesterday. Damn, I woke up early (for me) couldn’t get back to sleep, finally got out of bed and got stuff done. So weird, but nice after feeling sooooooo tiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrred for the past year or so.

Anyway, got done what I wanted to get done tonight, so now I can relax and enjoy what’s left of my THREE DAY WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And no, it’s not even a holiday. It’s just how my schedule worked out this semester.

Up and Down, Up and Down

Spoke with a former co-worker today. I feel a little bit better about things, but just a little. I’m kinda happy that I have a lot of time to take care of a situation that may not arise anyway. But that’s me, worrying endlessly.

I went swimming last night. The water was too cold, and the locker room was freezing, and the shower water wasn’t nearly hot enough, but I must have had a good night’s sleep. I stuffed myself at McDonalds, and no, I should NOT have done that, but I swam 24 laps and also got more than 10,000 steps in. The pool isn’t very far from my apartment, and there were maybe four other people in the pool. The weather has been warm and cold, warm and cold. The pool is in the basement, so no windows, but as the weather warms up, hoping the pool will, too. The big draw is hardly anyone using the facilities.

What’s weird is that I swear I went to this hotel last fall and asked if they sold pool memberships. They said no, but they also didn’t mention there was a gym in the basement of the hotel, WITH a swimming pool. This is part of the problem with living in China. I would have been THRILLED to find out there was a gym WITH pool in the basement. It could be that maybe I asked about the pool before the gym started up again. I’m thinking the gym that used to be there was the same one I was told about, when I walked up and down that block wondering where this gym was. My map said I was in the right place, but couldn’t find it. When I first moved here, that’s what I wanted. A nearby swimming pool. But maybe the gym closed, and they didn’t get it started back up again until last fall. And maybe I asked the front desk before the new gym management decided to take over.

But I’m happy the gym employee put a hang tag on my door advertising the gym, complete with his WeChat QR code. WeChat has a translation feature, so I got a tour of the gym, and also a free try at the swimming pool. I wired more money home this month than usual, which explains why my emergency fund keeps getting lower.

I told him I’d be back in April. I have no idea how much a pool membership costs, but swimming makes me happy. Not having to dodge people in the pool really makes me happy. And I didn’t see a little kid in sight, which means the pool will probably be cleaner. The water looked nice and clear last night.

I still wasn’t in a good mood last night, so I treated myself to McDonald’s, then chocolate after I walked home. I thought about doing some work, but I thought, “no.” I gave myself a break.

And it turned out to be a good move. I went to bed early (for me) and woke up before noon this morning, and actually thought I could start on getting some work done. Of the nine things on my list, I got four done. That’s amazing, especially for a Saturday morning/early afternoon. Usually, when I wake up early, I usually go back to sleep. But not this time. I watched mindless YouTube content, and never went back to sleep. Getting stuff done feels good.

Frustration…

The moon must be in a weird phase or something. I was told about a last-minute event an hour and 15 minutes from the start time. I told one of my students that I had other plans. This is the SECOND time I have told him to PLEASE let me know 48 hours in advance if something is going on. He apologized, but just reinforces my belief that no one listens to me.

I’m also a little suspicious that my co-worker didn’t tell me the event was going on tonight, as he and I usually preside over these events. We have each other’s WeChats and he saw me today.

He’s starting to act like a former friend of mine. In private, he’s civil, but in public, he goes out of his way to make me look dumb/stupid.

And it bugs me that my life in China hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to. I have these plans, and these plans seem simple enough and feasible, but they never work out.

Sometimes I feel nothing will.