And nothing really bad happened! It’s messed up, but I think I was thinking about the pension fund they give to expats when they leave China. Unless I can convince someone to hire me once I hit 60, I’ll have to leave. And I would LOVE to stay in China for a few more years. I’ll teach little kids, I’ll teach adults, I’ll teach any age, really. I feel like I’m at a place where I am hitting my stride, and it terrifies me that I’ll have to leave in a year and a half.

I’m hoping that my current uni will keep me around. Or a nearby uni will hire me.

But I cried.

A good thing that happened today is that I found a gym with a swimming pool. The guy who works there put a door hanger on my apartment door, and I noticed there was someone swimming on it. His WeChat QR code was on there, so we chatted last night. Today, I went over to check it out, and the pool looked clean and not crowded at all. Best of all, the pool is within walking distance of my apartment. I’ve literally walked past the place dozens of times, but didn’t know it existed because it’s in the basement of a hotel.

But the guy showed me the pool and I took a look at the locker room, and I think I’ll go there either tomorrow or Friday because he said he’d give me a trial run/swim. I’m basically interested in swimming, as that’s my favorite form of exercise.

I haven’t been swimming for months, because it isn’t relaxing. I’ve been going to the Straits Olympic facility. The pool is crowded at all times of the day it seems, and I’ve either been sideswiped, or people swim up so fast behind me I end up accidentally kicking them in the face. It’s not the relaxing experience I want.

And since I have a bit of flexibility with my time during the week, I think I can fit in a Wednesday afternoon swim before going home after my morning classes.

So that was a good thing that happened. I hope that the membership fee isn’t too expensive.

But yeah, I have no idea of what sort of pension refund I’ll get. Expats are supposed to have a certain amount of their paycheck paid to the government, like social security tax in the states. Since I won’t be retiring here, I should get some money back. But if my employer hasn’t paid into it, then I won’t get much back. And when I went to the local social security office, they couldn’t find me. It could be that the delay was because my employer hadn’t paid me yet. I got some information for the city I spent the most time in, so maybe I can call, or someone can help me call and I can see if I’ll get anything back. But I’m thinking I’m too old; I was already too old when I arrived, and I won’t get zilch, except what I get from my current employer, which might be $56 a year. Times three is not very much.

I cried because it seems like nothing I do works. I had high hopes for saving a lot of money here in China, but that hasn’t worked out, and what’s worse, I don’t know why. It’s not like I showed up drunk, or hungover, or continually late to classes or anything like that.

I shouldn’t believe in such things, but it would be nice if I could have my astrology chart read, or an actual fortune teller who could tell me, “yeah, this isn’t going to change no matter what you do,” because then I could stop trying so hard to bring positive change to my life, and I could just say, “fuck it, nothing’s going to work, might as well have fun” and do all the irresponsible things I should have done as a teenager. Even then, I was Miss Goody Two Shoes, and I should have raised a LOT of hell instead of behaving. If there’s a chance that things might change for the better, I’ll keep trying. But if this is a no-win situation for the rest of my life, let me know NOW.