So I haven’t seen Campus Kitten in days. The last time I saw her was Sunday, I think. Monday, one of the vertical bars was out of its hole, making an eight-inch opening in the fence. She’s so small, she didn’t need that space, but I’m wondering if someone raised the vertica bar, reached in and grabbed her.

I got her used to being petted and her back scratched, so a friendly enough person could have grabbed her.

When I went by there today, it was three times. I put food and water down for her, and I brought bowls. Two of the bowls were out of reach, so it’s a good thing I brought new bowls. I called for her, but nothing. On my way back I stopped by, and called for her, and nothing. I stopped back again tonight, and nothing. Her water bowl was still there, and two of the bowls I couldn’t reach were there, but her food dish was gone.

I feel guilty. I thought about adopting her, but years ago when my dog died, I vowed never to adopt another animal unless I had the money to properly care for it. My dog died before I could get her to the vet, but maybe it would have happened anyway. She was over 17 years old. But I still felt guilty. I hated being so poor. I struggle and struggle and struggle, and I mean STRUGGLE. And I’m still struggling and wondering if this is going to be my life. It HAS been my life and I’m fucking tired of it.

I came here to China to earn and save money so I could buy out my brother’s share of the house. I hardly have any money saved. I feel like a fucking failure. And so that’s why I’ve not gotten any pets. Right now, based on a 40-hour work week, I make less than $9.50 an hour after taxes.

So yeah, not feeling very happy right now. Sometimes I feel I don’t deserve a happy life.

Or a pet.

It’s ironic, I worried and worried how to bring a cat back. I looked up carriers online, looked up airlines to see which ones were pet-friendly, and it looks like I worried and worried for nothing.

I don’t know what kind of money I will have when I have to leave. There’s some sort of pension that I pay into, but I don’t think I’ll be working long enough to get it. Supposedly, when I leave China, I’ll get that money. But I worry that something got fucked up and I won’t get anything back.

And the amount I save per month seems miniscule. It’s funny–people ask me if I go to the canteen to eat, but I refuse. If I have to pay anything, it’s not free. And people say, “well, it’s 12 yuan, it’s basically nothing.” True, but 12 yuan is NOT the same as free. And if I don’t like the food, it’s a waste of money. And if there’s a ton of leftovers and no way to get it home, that’s wasting food.

And I really don’t feel like eating at noon. But you know things aren’t great when you purposely skip lunch, or take a couple handfuls of blueberries for your lunch because A. You’re more tired than hungry, and B. gotta save that money.

So I hope Campus Kitten has a good home. I’m glad I was able to keep her alive for a few weeks. I saw her once with her mom, but I guess mom wasn’t too helpful in getting her food. I remember how much Campus Kitten cried when I first encountered her.

She’s still thin, but at least she wasn’t crying anymore.